1 00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:29,520 Good evening. It's nice to be with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is. And 2 00:00:29,520 --> 00:00:33,460 in a packed program tonight, we shall meet an East End docker who has retired 3 00:00:33,460 --> 00:00:35,840 after 40 years to take a well -earned job. 4 00:00:38,940 --> 00:00:43,760 Then we'll be talking to a man who crossed a Morse code transmitter with a 5 00:00:43,760 --> 00:00:46,780 xenopod and got a dot, dot, dot and a very quick dash. 6 00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:52,800 But first, here is the news. 7 00:00:53,400 --> 00:00:55,400 The pound had another good day yesterday. 8 00:00:55,820 --> 00:00:59,020 It rose sharply at ten o 'clock, had a light breakfast and went for a stroll in 9 00:00:59,020 --> 00:01:00,020 the park. 10 00:01:01,900 --> 00:01:05,420 Mr and Mrs Wilson won't be visiting the sillies this year. 11 00:01:05,800 --> 00:01:08,200 Instead, Mr and Mrs Silly are visiting the Wilson. 12 00:01:09,600 --> 00:01:14,080 And Mr Ernest Waldron, a cattle expert who spent his whole life examining the 13 00:01:14,080 --> 00:01:17,100 back legs of cows, was given a special award today. 14 00:01:17,840 --> 00:01:21,520 He said, Mr Waldron, this is the first time I've had a pat on the back. 15 00:01:26,890 --> 00:01:33,870 We've just... We've just heard today that British Rail have announced 16 00:01:33,870 --> 00:01:39,010 a new service for naughty couples going to Brighton. The Have It Away Day. 17 00:01:43,630 --> 00:01:49,510 But now a sketch about ghosts and ghouls, in which I get caught by the 18 00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:01,780 I get caught by surprise. 19 00:02:06,800 --> 00:02:13,140 Over here, I think that... Oh, hello. 20 00:02:14,780 --> 00:02:15,880 Hello. Hello. 21 00:02:17,800 --> 00:02:18,800 Well, 22 00:02:19,560 --> 00:02:24,800 fancy meeting old him here. 23 00:02:26,360 --> 00:02:28,940 Just what I was thinking. I mean, fancy meeting... 24 00:02:35,420 --> 00:02:42,180 This is a terribly old friend of mine, and 25 00:02:42,180 --> 00:02:44,680 this is his wife, you see. 26 00:02:45,080 --> 00:02:46,080 Hello. 27 00:02:46,460 --> 00:02:48,680 How do you do? This is my wife. 28 00:02:49,200 --> 00:02:51,080 How do you do, wife? 29 00:02:54,160 --> 00:02:55,160 Oh, sorry. 30 00:02:55,300 --> 00:02:57,940 Sorry, of course, I haven't introduced you to my wife. Who? 31 00:02:58,180 --> 00:02:59,380 The wife. Yes. 32 00:02:59,720 --> 00:03:01,940 This is his wife. 33 00:03:03,380 --> 00:03:04,620 This is her husband. 34 00:03:06,400 --> 00:03:07,400 Husband and wife. 35 00:03:08,580 --> 00:03:11,520 And, of course, this is my wife. And I am her husband. 36 00:03:13,260 --> 00:03:16,260 Well, now that we've all met each other, shall we just continue enjoying our 37 00:03:16,260 --> 00:03:17,260 drinks? 38 00:03:17,300 --> 00:03:19,680 Just like old times, isn't it, Mark? 39 00:03:22,180 --> 00:03:26,620 It's just like old times, isn't it? Is it just... I mean, are you still doing 40 00:03:26,620 --> 00:03:29,760 what you were doing before? 41 00:03:31,940 --> 00:03:37,300 Yes, I am still doing it. Are you still doing the same? No, I finished. 42 00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:40,160 Oh, he's finished. 43 00:03:40,880 --> 00:03:43,800 He's finished doing the same. 44 00:03:44,100 --> 00:03:45,920 Well, it was getting a bit much, you know. 45 00:03:46,180 --> 00:03:49,800 Oh, I know far too much. Yes, and we did have the trouble. 46 00:03:50,040 --> 00:03:51,360 Yes, we heard. 47 00:03:51,700 --> 00:03:54,060 I was awfully sorry. 48 00:03:54,540 --> 00:03:56,600 Well, actually, we were both very sorry. 49 00:03:56,960 --> 00:03:57,960 What about us? 50 00:04:00,330 --> 00:04:07,170 So what about... Sorry, what about... What about the trouble? Oh. Because we 51 00:04:07,170 --> 00:04:08,170 trouble too. 52 00:04:08,370 --> 00:04:10,110 Oh, yes. Well, there's a lot of it about you. 53 00:04:11,670 --> 00:04:12,670 What's that, dear? 54 00:04:13,050 --> 00:04:17,089 Trouble, dear. There's a lot of trouble. I was just saying to her husband. 55 00:04:17,329 --> 00:04:20,170 I was just saying to... Peter. 56 00:04:20,930 --> 00:04:21,930 Peter. No, not. 57 00:04:22,190 --> 00:04:23,510 Peter not. Peter not. 58 00:04:25,180 --> 00:04:28,940 No, no, not Peter. No, not Peter. That's Peter out there. That's Peter out 59 00:04:28,940 --> 00:04:31,660 there. No, that's Jonathan out there. That's Jonathan. You're getting confused 60 00:04:31,660 --> 00:04:34,900 here. That's Jonathan out there. I'm terrible with names myself, you know. 61 00:04:34,920 --> 00:04:37,940 I'm exactly the same, particularly with people I know awfully well, you know. 62 00:04:37,940 --> 00:04:44,560 Yes. I'm just saying to, um, to, uh... The wife. To who? The wife. The wife. 63 00:04:44,620 --> 00:04:45,860 That's right. I'm saying the truth. Yes. 64 00:04:46,400 --> 00:04:47,400 Hello. 65 00:04:48,180 --> 00:04:49,179 Hello. 66 00:04:49,180 --> 00:04:50,480 Have you two introduced yourselves? 67 00:04:51,260 --> 00:04:52,260 Introduced ourselves? 68 00:04:52,900 --> 00:04:57,160 Well, we've known each other for, what, five, ten, fifteen... Twenty. 69 00:04:57,760 --> 00:04:59,140 Twenty minutes. 70 00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:00,400 Months. Months. 71 00:05:00,880 --> 00:05:02,040 Twenty years. 72 00:05:02,280 --> 00:05:03,700 Twenty years, man and boy. 73 00:05:04,040 --> 00:05:05,460 I've known him since he was that high. 74 00:05:05,660 --> 00:05:06,660 Well, that high. 75 00:05:07,940 --> 00:05:08,940 Well, that low, yes. 76 00:05:09,160 --> 00:05:10,920 Well, goodness, we know each other very well. 77 00:05:11,290 --> 00:05:13,630 Oh, yes, we were at, uh, we were at, uh, Thing together. 78 00:05:13,890 --> 00:05:15,650 Oh, at Thing. Yes. For years. 79 00:05:15,950 --> 00:05:17,230 Yes, four years. Was it four years? 80 00:05:17,450 --> 00:05:21,770 We were at Thing. Yes, oh, we were. Do you remember old, uh... Old Thingy? Yes, 81 00:05:21,810 --> 00:05:25,930 in the, uh... In the... In the what's -it? In the what's -it, yes. Ha -ha. And 82 00:05:25,930 --> 00:05:27,550 the little, uh... Oujar. The Oujar. 83 00:05:29,250 --> 00:05:30,089 Oh, yes. 84 00:05:30,090 --> 00:05:33,510 Oh, good heavens, we've known each other intimately for years. You've never met 85 00:05:33,510 --> 00:05:34,510 before. 86 00:05:36,790 --> 00:05:38,630 What do you mean, never met before, you mean? 87 00:05:38,910 --> 00:05:40,470 What do you mean, never met before, you mean? 88 00:05:40,730 --> 00:05:41,730 Never. 89 00:05:41,930 --> 00:05:42,930 Well, well. 90 00:05:43,090 --> 00:05:44,090 Well, never. 91 00:05:44,410 --> 00:05:47,130 So I suppose we've never met before. No, not before this. 92 00:05:47,510 --> 00:05:48,990 No, well, I... Oh, nonsense. 93 00:05:49,330 --> 00:05:50,450 Oh, nonsense. Rubbish. 94 00:05:51,230 --> 00:05:52,230 What's his name? 95 00:05:58,370 --> 00:05:59,370 What's his name? 96 00:06:00,350 --> 00:06:01,450 What, him? Him here? 97 00:06:03,810 --> 00:06:04,810 That one. 98 00:06:07,590 --> 00:06:08,590 What's his name? 99 00:06:10,570 --> 00:06:15,090 That's his wife. And, um, this is my wife. Yes. And, um... What's his name? 100 00:06:15,350 --> 00:06:19,710 Uh, what old? What's his name? Uh, oh, he's, uh, um... Larry 101 00:06:19,710 --> 00:06:25,070 Gitis. No, no, no. 102 00:06:27,810 --> 00:06:29,430 Aladdin. No, no, no. 103 00:06:29,750 --> 00:06:31,090 It's Bob and Harry. 104 00:06:31,370 --> 00:06:33,470 Oh, God, you remember Bob and Harry? Oh, 105 00:06:34,890 --> 00:06:36,390 God, you've never met before. 106 00:06:36,990 --> 00:06:37,990 Ever. 107 00:06:38,270 --> 00:06:39,350 Your wife. 108 00:06:39,710 --> 00:06:40,710 have met before 109 00:07:10,220 --> 00:07:13,900 And I want to appeal to you tonight on behalf of a cause which is extremely 110 00:07:13,900 --> 00:07:14,940 close to my heart. 111 00:07:15,360 --> 00:07:16,360 Myself. 112 00:07:16,980 --> 00:07:20,340 I need a lot more money, and you can help me get it. 113 00:07:20,800 --> 00:07:24,880 Why do I need this money? Because I'm suffering from a very serious complaint. 114 00:07:25,380 --> 00:07:26,380 Laziness. 115 00:07:27,840 --> 00:07:30,560 I'm what is known in the medical profession as Bone Idol. 116 00:07:31,160 --> 00:07:36,580 Now, it costs money to run my large, spacious home, Albert Fosdyke House, set 117 00:07:36,580 --> 00:07:38,120 glorious countryside in the Cosworth. 118 00:07:38,760 --> 00:07:42,860 And recently I've opened another home, the sunshine home for Albert Fosdyke on 119 00:07:42,860 --> 00:07:43,860 the French Riviera. 120 00:07:46,260 --> 00:07:48,080 Now, it doesn't run itself, you know. 121 00:07:48,740 --> 00:07:54,060 Also, I have a sister establishment on the Costa Brava, and I've established 122 00:07:54,060 --> 00:07:55,980 four sisters in it, and they're real belters. 123 00:07:57,520 --> 00:08:02,240 Now, in addition to this, I also have a wife to support, my very good friend 124 00:08:02,240 --> 00:08:03,240 Henry Parkinson's wife. 125 00:08:08,940 --> 00:08:12,180 at a cost of several hundred pounds a new tradesman's entrance. 126 00:08:12,400 --> 00:08:13,660 And that's where you come in. 127 00:08:17,280 --> 00:08:21,420 Now, all this costs money. Your money. That's why I'm appealing to you tonight. 128 00:08:21,620 --> 00:08:26,140 I just can't make ends meet. And frankly, I'm going to the docks. And I 129 00:08:26,140 --> 00:08:27,140 win there either. 130 00:08:27,540 --> 00:08:28,800 My health is suffering. 131 00:08:29,100 --> 00:08:32,020 Only yesterday I had a very unpleasant message from my doctor. 132 00:08:32,340 --> 00:08:36,240 He said you have less than a month to live unless you marry my daughter. 133 00:08:38,409 --> 00:08:42,070 Now, that sort of thing can be quite a shock. Now, just two words about cast 134 00:08:42,070 --> 00:08:45,930 -off clothing, warm woolens and silver paper. No thanks. 135 00:08:50,050 --> 00:08:54,510 I have a scheme which I think you will find much more attractive. The pound in 136 00:08:54,510 --> 00:08:56,870 your pocket is now only worth 69p. 137 00:08:57,650 --> 00:09:00,910 So you send me the pound notes and I'll send you the 69p. 138 00:09:03,790 --> 00:09:07,990 Will your money be spent? Well, £100 will go straight away on harbour lights 139 00:09:07,990 --> 00:09:08,990 the 230 at Ascot. 140 00:09:09,670 --> 00:09:14,410 And as little as £50 a week will keep me in lobsters the whole week. So please 141 00:09:14,410 --> 00:09:17,190 send your contributions, however large, to this address. 142 00:09:17,410 --> 00:09:21,770 The Albert Fosdyke Appeal for Albert Fosdyke, care of Her Majesty the Queen, 143 00:09:21,990 --> 00:09:22,990 Wandsworth Prison. 144 00:09:46,410 --> 00:09:49,290 In 1898, a city shrouded in fog. 145 00:09:49,590 --> 00:09:53,970 Somewhere within the labyrinths of its narrow streets lurked a madman, ready to 146 00:09:53,970 --> 00:09:57,550 bring discomfort and disgust to respectable citizens throughout the 147 00:09:57,850 --> 00:10:01,690 Already the Prime Minister's butler had suffered a terrifying attack. 148 00:10:04,610 --> 00:10:11,310 I've never been so... Our hero, 149 00:10:11,570 --> 00:10:16,490 Inspector Corner of the Yard, and the tireless and loyal... Sergeant Bowles, 150 00:10:16,530 --> 00:10:19,930 prepared to pit their wits pitilessly against the phantom. 151 00:10:20,270 --> 00:10:21,630 Where would he strike next? 152 00:10:22,010 --> 00:10:25,010 It was at this point that a pattern began to emerge. 153 00:10:26,390 --> 00:10:30,330 Three nights later at Great Bardling's Woodstock, the country house of Lady 154 00:10:30,330 --> 00:10:34,970 Penelope Barclay Hunt, whose ancient family was seventh in line of succession 155 00:10:34,970 --> 00:10:38,550 the throne, was the next link in a chain of horror. 156 00:10:41,390 --> 00:10:46,000 The manor a treasure house of heirlooms was guarded by her ladyship's private 157 00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:47,000 police force. 158 00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:52,920 It was getting on for midnight, and Lady Penelope was being entertained by her 159 00:10:52,920 --> 00:10:54,580 pantry man, Heathcliff. 160 00:11:00,560 --> 00:11:03,120 Gertrude, is the silver locked away? 161 00:11:03,760 --> 00:11:04,760 Yes, milady. 162 00:11:05,060 --> 00:11:06,240 Is the cat out? 163 00:11:06,740 --> 00:11:08,440 Oh, yes, milady. 164 00:11:08,780 --> 00:11:10,300 Out like a light. 165 00:11:12,720 --> 00:11:13,720 Very well, James. 166 00:11:13,820 --> 00:11:18,400 Has anyone ever told you that you are very attractive, James? 167 00:11:19,360 --> 00:11:20,640 No, m 'lady. 168 00:11:21,660 --> 00:11:23,680 I'm not surprised. You're repulsive. 169 00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:31,040 Still, it's a lonely life since I lost my little podgy. 170 00:11:31,780 --> 00:11:35,000 Oh, I think you exaggerate, m 'lady. 171 00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:41,660 You've still got quite a lot of podgy, in my opinion. 172 00:11:43,640 --> 00:11:49,400 Will that be all, milady? 173 00:11:50,460 --> 00:11:51,660 No, James. 174 00:11:55,380 --> 00:11:57,020 Very good, milady. 175 00:11:58,580 --> 00:12:00,060 The same as usual. 176 00:12:00,920 --> 00:12:02,620 The same as usual. 177 00:13:05,230 --> 00:13:09,150 Private police force works tirelessly through the night, questioning 178 00:13:09,150 --> 00:13:10,150 characters. 179 00:13:12,370 --> 00:13:14,150 Here, I want to work with you. 180 00:13:50,380 --> 00:13:55,480 Meanwhile, back in Scotland Yard, Inspector Corner sat thinking in the 181 00:13:55,480 --> 00:13:56,800 of his own office. 182 00:13:57,200 --> 00:14:00,080 I was wrong, Bowles. He did strike again. 183 00:14:00,340 --> 00:14:02,260 And a person of royal blood. 184 00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:05,440 Can't believe it. It's all so pointless. 185 00:14:05,980 --> 00:14:06,980 Oh, sorry, sir. 186 00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:16,000 The shock of the attack turned her ladyship's hair white and her face 187 00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:19,580 For the time being, she is being held as an illegal immigrant. 188 00:14:30,930 --> 00:14:31,930 Two work bowls. 189 00:14:32,590 --> 00:14:35,110 Let's go through the sequence of events in order. 190 00:14:35,770 --> 00:14:36,870 Go through the facts. 191 00:14:37,890 --> 00:14:38,890 One at a time. 192 00:14:40,010 --> 00:14:41,070 Pying things up. 193 00:14:42,150 --> 00:14:43,150 Looking for clues. 194 00:14:45,130 --> 00:14:47,070 First, take the scene at number ten. 195 00:14:47,390 --> 00:14:49,050 The butler, answer the door. 196 00:14:50,030 --> 00:14:53,650 When the attacker produced his card, he collapsed upon the floor. 197 00:14:54,330 --> 00:14:58,530 When the assailant left, he made a most peculiar noise. 198 00:14:58,790 --> 00:15:02,770 He shocked the Duchess, man on crutches, and three small boys. 199 00:15:07,750 --> 00:15:11,190 Next Lady P, Barclay Hunt. 200 00:15:12,630 --> 00:15:13,630 Terrible thing. 201 00:15:14,730 --> 00:15:15,730 Horrible stunt. 202 00:15:16,770 --> 00:15:22,640 There was a lady... in bed with nothing at all on her mind, he rushed a terrible 203 00:15:22,640 --> 00:15:24,960 creature and attacked her from behind. 204 00:15:25,220 --> 00:15:29,220 Disgusting. She got a fright, her hair turned white and her face a very dark 205 00:15:29,220 --> 00:15:32,040 grey. The pantry man, Jim, what happened to him? 206 00:15:32,280 --> 00:15:33,780 He's hard of fading away. 207 00:15:39,520 --> 00:15:41,260 Jealousy could have been the motive. 208 00:15:41,520 --> 00:15:42,860 Could be a solution. 209 00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:47,140 Both victims guilty him. He's seeking retribution. 210 00:15:48,140 --> 00:15:51,460 Now all we do is find someone who fits the plan. 211 00:15:51,900 --> 00:15:55,740 Someone who fancies a tall brunette and a big, fat man. 212 00:16:04,080 --> 00:16:10,380 Once again, the great British police force relentlessly pursued their prey in 213 00:16:10,380 --> 00:16:11,640 completely the wrong direction. 214 00:16:12,180 --> 00:16:16,200 Not a mile from Scotland Yard in the Houses of Parliament, Mr Disraeli was 215 00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:18,980 having a stormy passage with the opposition at question time. 216 00:16:22,140 --> 00:16:26,420 I tell you, Mr Gladstone, I can buy the Suez Canal for the whole town. 217 00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:29,900 Believe me, I say, I'll get it, I'll get it. 218 00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:32,500 What about the prostitution bill? 219 00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:34,280 Aye, sir, aye. 220 00:16:35,540 --> 00:16:36,600 Next question. 221 00:16:37,460 --> 00:16:40,660 What is brown, steams and comes out of cows backwards? 222 00:16:50,540 --> 00:16:52,540 All right, Mr Churchill. 223 00:16:53,500 --> 00:17:00,480 If that's the way you want to play it, all I can say is... Holy 224 00:17:00,480 --> 00:17:01,660 my wallet. 225 00:17:38,950 --> 00:17:42,390 Ladies and gentlemen, Barbara Dixon. 226 00:20:40,460 --> 00:20:41,259 Here's the late news. 227 00:20:41,260 --> 00:20:45,740 Police are clamping down on dealers who make fortunes selling stolen cars which 228 00:20:45,740 --> 00:20:49,780 have been sawn in half and welded to other vehicles, said Superintendent 229 00:20:49,780 --> 00:20:52,260 from the wheel of his E -type combine harvester today. 230 00:20:58,220 --> 00:20:59,480 News from Hollywood. 231 00:20:59,700 --> 00:21:04,100 Zsa Zsa Gabor has announced that owing to illness, she has cancelled all her 232 00:21:04,100 --> 00:21:07,280 engagements for three months, but her marriages will go ahead as planned. 233 00:21:09,610 --> 00:21:13,210 The president of the Wine Tasters Association today paid tribute to their 234 00:21:13,210 --> 00:21:15,430 retiring secretary, Mrs Prudence Vine. 235 00:21:15,770 --> 00:21:20,150 He described her as plucky and full -bodied and well worth laying down for a 236 00:21:20,150 --> 00:21:21,150 couple of years. 237 00:21:23,190 --> 00:21:28,230 Later tonight we'll be interviewing a very sexy interior decorator and his 238 00:21:28,230 --> 00:21:31,870 who fall out of bed every night because they prefer a matte finish. 239 00:21:37,320 --> 00:21:41,520 Now a sketch featuring Ronnie Corbett, who in fact buys all his suits off the 240 00:21:41,520 --> 00:21:43,540 peg, at any shop selling Action Man. 241 00:21:53,500 --> 00:21:54,500 Good evening. 242 00:21:55,020 --> 00:21:59,000 Tonight in Getaway, we are looking at holidays in Britain, through the eyes of 243 00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:01,400 an Austrian family over here for their first trip abroad. 244 00:22:01,700 --> 00:22:05,900 And our holiday resort this week is Fleur, a few miles west of London. 245 00:22:07,150 --> 00:22:11,810 A holiday in Slough for two weeks could cost you anything from £65 to £320, 246 00:22:11,970 --> 00:22:14,010 depending on what you're looking for. 247 00:22:14,570 --> 00:22:17,150 And also, of course, on whether you find it or not. 248 00:22:18,250 --> 00:22:19,450 Jack Weston reports. 249 00:22:22,370 --> 00:22:27,010 Slough can be, and often is, described as the back end of beyond. And it was 250 00:22:27,010 --> 00:22:31,590 this reason that our Austrian family, Mr and Mrs Daffberger, their daughter 251 00:22:31,590 --> 00:22:36,670 Mitzi, and Mrs Daffberger's brother Frugal, chose it from the travel 252 00:22:37,850 --> 00:22:42,110 They eventually chose two weeks at the Acme Fish and Chip Shop in the high 253 00:22:42,110 --> 00:22:47,190 school, with a cost of 110 pounds each for the fortnight. 254 00:22:54,890 --> 00:22:58,830 This holiday is about the middle price range. 255 00:22:59,670 --> 00:23:02,670 Before settling on this, they tried two others. 256 00:23:03,170 --> 00:23:07,740 One, at the top price of over 300 pounds, in Large Avenue. 257 00:23:08,180 --> 00:23:12,060 This price, of course, 300 pounds, was all fine. 258 00:23:17,480 --> 00:23:22,880 And she looks as if she knows where to find me. 259 00:23:24,980 --> 00:23:25,980 Unfortunately, 260 00:23:27,220 --> 00:23:28,800 she only had room for two. 261 00:23:32,520 --> 00:23:35,320 The second alternative was the cheapest in the range. 262 00:23:35,800 --> 00:23:36,920 across the road at 31. 263 00:23:42,320 --> 00:23:42,840 This 264 00:23:42,840 --> 00:23:50,140 one 265 00:23:50,140 --> 00:23:55,680 worked out at only £3 .25p for the night, with an evening meal thrown in. 266 00:23:58,940 --> 00:24:05,220 Smough offers a lot in the way of sightseeing. 267 00:24:05,560 --> 00:24:08,300 This gas works, for instance, which is in the way of everything. 268 00:24:09,620 --> 00:24:13,740 But for a few pence, you can pick up a kindly old guide who will show you the 269 00:24:13,740 --> 00:24:14,740 town. 270 00:24:20,420 --> 00:24:26,660 There are many traditions and ceremonies to be witnessed, such as closing time 271 00:24:26,660 --> 00:24:28,040 at the pub on Sunday lunchtime. 272 00:24:35,880 --> 00:24:39,800 Traditional British crafts are always of interest, such as road sweeping. 273 00:24:41,200 --> 00:24:47,160 Here is an example of how poverty and riches live together side by side, and 274 00:24:47,160 --> 00:24:48,840 respect they have for each other. 275 00:25:08,400 --> 00:25:12,940 The Daffburgers are very fond of mountain sports, and Frugal was 276 00:25:12,940 --> 00:25:16,000 pursue his favorite pastime during his fortnight stay. 277 00:25:53,930 --> 00:25:57,590 shopping is always a must for the Daffburgers, and there are many British 278 00:25:57,590 --> 00:26:01,570 to be found in the quaint little shops scattered along the winding main street. 279 00:26:01,870 --> 00:26:04,430 The whole family seem pleased with their purchasing. 280 00:26:05,030 --> 00:26:08,730 Mitzi, as you see, has got a pair of wonderful bed warmers. 281 00:26:10,610 --> 00:26:13,570 And frugal, something he has always wanted. 282 00:26:15,870 --> 00:26:18,110 And finally, nightlife. 283 00:26:18,600 --> 00:26:23,000 Why not dine al fresco at one of the attractive local night watchman's huts? 284 00:26:23,520 --> 00:26:28,640 Its gay, striped awning and its welcoming charcoal barbecue, which burns 285 00:26:28,640 --> 00:26:31,900 the night and provides a charming setting for your evening meal. 286 00:26:33,880 --> 00:26:38,480 Traditional fare of doorstep sandwiches and stewed tea are provided, and these 287 00:26:38,480 --> 00:26:41,880 night spots are generously subsidized by your local council. 288 00:26:43,690 --> 00:26:47,670 Some sort of cabaret is usually available, though this may be at 289 00:26:47,670 --> 00:26:51,990 times. And don't expect to see a great spectacle like the changing of the 290 00:26:52,250 --> 00:26:56,230 In Slough, the best you're likely to get is the changing of the drawers. 291 00:27:18,320 --> 00:27:21,220 Well, there you have it. Two weeks in slow. Looks good. 292 00:27:21,680 --> 00:27:25,400 Finally tonight, the result of our competition, the trip that viewers have 293 00:27:25,400 --> 00:27:28,700 the trip of the year. And funnily enough, it's Downing Street. 294 00:27:45,020 --> 00:27:51,020 Thank you. This evening, I'd like, if I may, to tell you a story about a chap 295 00:27:51,020 --> 00:27:53,860 who was cast ashore on a desert island. 296 00:27:54,440 --> 00:27:59,680 Now, oh, by the way, this is not the one about the two Irishmen on a desert 297 00:27:59,680 --> 00:28:00,680 island, you know. 298 00:28:00,920 --> 00:28:03,980 You know, who found a lifeboat and broke it up to make a raft. 299 00:28:10,240 --> 00:28:14,250 No, it's not that one. I'm glad it's not that one, really, because, you know, 300 00:28:14,270 --> 00:28:18,690 that's a bit ridiculous. No, this is actually... This is actually about a 301 00:28:18,690 --> 00:28:21,770 who was a passenger on a flight to New York. 302 00:28:22,190 --> 00:28:25,970 And when they started the film, he'd seen it before on the telly, you know, 303 00:28:25,970 --> 00:28:27,750 he was so disgusted, he got up and walked out. 304 00:28:29,730 --> 00:28:33,950 As soon as he lands in the water, he realises what he's done, you see, and he 305 00:28:33,950 --> 00:28:34,950 gets very depressed. 306 00:28:35,430 --> 00:28:38,590 Bless my soul, he said, and help. 307 00:28:40,400 --> 00:28:42,320 But the people in the airplane, they can't hear him, you see. 308 00:28:43,320 --> 00:28:47,480 Well, they're all watching Doris Day and drinking their duty freeze and 309 00:28:47,480 --> 00:28:49,120 shouting, shut that door. 310 00:28:51,820 --> 00:28:56,360 So there he is, being tossed about by the waves. 311 00:28:56,680 --> 00:28:58,160 Oh, sorry, that reminds me. 312 00:28:58,400 --> 00:29:01,040 A little wave, if I may, to my mum and dad. 313 00:29:02,820 --> 00:29:06,520 No, I like to do that, because actually my mother, you know, still thinks of me 314 00:29:06,520 --> 00:29:07,520 as a wee baby. 315 00:29:09,560 --> 00:29:11,880 Well, let's face it, you know, I was a wee baby. 316 00:29:12,260 --> 00:29:14,580 I spent the first two years of my life on a charm bracelet. 317 00:29:17,700 --> 00:29:21,980 Now, that's not exactly true, but if I told you the truth, you'd never believe 318 00:29:21,980 --> 00:29:26,660 me. And she's very proud of me. Just as I was leaving tonight, she looked at me. 319 00:29:26,860 --> 00:29:29,540 Her face was radiant and her eyes were shining. 320 00:29:30,200 --> 00:29:32,360 I don't know what she's taking, but I wish I could get something. 321 00:29:34,940 --> 00:29:37,560 She turned to my dad, who was sitting there sewing a button on his hat. 322 00:29:38,680 --> 00:29:40,040 Well, he's had a lot of worry lately. 323 00:29:41,600 --> 00:29:43,600 And she said, Ty, Ty. 324 00:29:44,100 --> 00:29:47,360 She calls him Ty, you know, short for Titanic, because she thinks he's a bit 325 00:29:47,360 --> 00:29:48,360 a disaster. 326 00:29:51,600 --> 00:29:58,300 She said, Ty, Ty. She said, can this be the same little boy who sang It's My 327 00:29:58,300 --> 00:29:59,400 Mother's Birthday Today? 328 00:29:59,980 --> 00:30:04,380 Won the talent contest at the old Hoburn Empire all those years ago. 329 00:30:04,740 --> 00:30:06,940 And he said, no, that was Max Bygrave. 330 00:30:09,680 --> 00:30:11,820 But I digress. 331 00:30:12,080 --> 00:30:16,260 And our hero, you remember, the chap who walked out on Doris Day. Well, he has 332 00:30:16,260 --> 00:30:20,120 found himself cast ashore on this desert island. 333 00:30:20,840 --> 00:30:23,920 Fifteen years later, he's sitting on the beach all alone. 334 00:30:24,180 --> 00:30:26,980 Nothing but sand and the sea and the sky. 335 00:30:27,980 --> 00:30:29,960 Sounds like a summer season at Cleethorpes, actually. 336 00:30:30,860 --> 00:30:33,240 Makes you wonder what he lived on for 15 years. 337 00:30:33,520 --> 00:30:34,960 Credit, I suppose, like the rest of us. 338 00:30:35,580 --> 00:30:40,340 So one day, he's sitting there on the beach with nothing but his roughly hewn 339 00:30:40,340 --> 00:30:43,280 bucket and spade and his eight gramophone records. 340 00:30:46,560 --> 00:30:49,460 Waiting for the tide to come in and fill his little moat. 341 00:30:50,820 --> 00:30:55,240 Suddenly, out of the sea, there appeared an apparition. 342 00:30:56,270 --> 00:31:01,010 And he was very, very frightened as it flapped its way up the beach towards 343 00:31:01,050 --> 00:31:01,989 you know. 344 00:31:01,990 --> 00:31:04,470 My God, he said, it's Ronnie Corbett's wife. 345 00:31:06,110 --> 00:31:12,970 No, he didn't. No, he didn't say that at all. I just put that in. I must, I 346 00:31:12,970 --> 00:31:16,810 really must stop saying nasty things about my wife, you know. I mean, 347 00:31:16,810 --> 00:31:19,090 as today is our anniversary. 348 00:31:19,930 --> 00:31:23,970 It's just 12 years ago today when she said, I do. 349 00:31:25,230 --> 00:31:27,450 It certainly surprised me because I didn't think she did. 350 00:31:31,530 --> 00:31:35,030 Anyway, when it gets nearer, 351 00:31:36,950 --> 00:31:43,070 I'm very glad she did. Anyway, when it gets nearer, the apparition turns out to 352 00:31:43,070 --> 00:31:47,110 be a beautiful girl wearing a wetsuit, snorkel and flippers. 353 00:31:47,490 --> 00:31:52,490 Well, she removes the snorkel and she says, hello, she says, what are you 354 00:31:52,490 --> 00:31:53,490 here? 355 00:31:53,710 --> 00:31:56,610 He said, well, actually, I'm a castaway. 356 00:31:56,830 --> 00:32:00,510 He got very, very humble about that. He said, I'm a castaway on this desert 357 00:32:00,510 --> 00:32:03,130 island. And she said, oh, you poor man. 358 00:32:04,250 --> 00:32:06,250 Well, I never fancy that. 359 00:32:10,190 --> 00:32:12,590 Dog my cats. 360 00:32:12,910 --> 00:32:15,050 She didn't say that four times, actually, but I like saying it. 361 00:32:16,450 --> 00:32:17,890 Dog my cats, you poor man. 362 00:32:18,230 --> 00:32:20,130 How long is it since you had a cigarette? 363 00:32:20,390 --> 00:32:22,850 He said, well, actually, it's about 15 years. 364 00:32:23,480 --> 00:32:25,060 And I'm seriously thinking of giving it up. 365 00:32:27,120 --> 00:32:28,120 Starting tomorrow. 366 00:32:29,200 --> 00:32:31,580 Whereupon she unzips a pocket of a wetsuit. 367 00:32:33,540 --> 00:32:34,900 She's a very big girl. Anyway. 368 00:32:36,340 --> 00:32:38,100 And produced a packet of cigarettes. 369 00:32:38,420 --> 00:32:39,420 He was overwhelmed. 370 00:32:39,580 --> 00:32:42,160 I'm overwhelmed, he said. There you are. I told you he was overwhelmed. 371 00:32:44,590 --> 00:32:47,990 And she said, Buster, you have seen nothing yet. The best is yet to come, 372 00:32:47,990 --> 00:32:50,370 said. How long since you have a drinky -winky? 373 00:32:50,810 --> 00:32:52,290 Well, she unzips the other pockets. 374 00:32:53,210 --> 00:32:54,270 Produces a flask. 375 00:33:01,110 --> 00:33:02,530 You're making up your own story. 376 00:33:05,450 --> 00:33:07,930 He produces a flask of his favorite whiskey. 377 00:33:08,730 --> 00:33:10,750 A tear sprung to his eye. 378 00:33:11,470 --> 00:33:12,890 Did I tell you you only had one eye? 379 00:33:17,360 --> 00:33:18,400 Doesn't matter, you know. 380 00:33:19,360 --> 00:33:21,260 Well, it matters to him, but it doesn't matter to us. 381 00:33:22,240 --> 00:33:23,780 This is marvellous. 382 00:33:24,440 --> 00:33:28,940 This is marvellous. He said, I haven't had a drink or a cigarette in 15 years. 383 00:33:29,500 --> 00:33:33,660 Then she started slowly to unzip the front of a wetsuit. 384 00:33:34,780 --> 00:33:38,980 He says, how long is it since you played around? 385 00:33:43,260 --> 00:33:46,840 He said, good heavens, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there. 386 00:34:16,160 --> 00:34:17,920 Good evening, everybody. 387 00:34:19,260 --> 00:34:21,880 It's wonderful to be back on television again. 388 00:34:22,440 --> 00:34:26,600 I have only been away for a few months, but I am so glad to find you all sitting 389 00:34:26,600 --> 00:34:27,600 here. 390 00:34:27,940 --> 00:34:29,699 You are very patient, thank you. 391 00:34:31,000 --> 00:34:33,679 My friends in the band are glad to be back also. 392 00:34:33,880 --> 00:34:35,960 They are a very friendly group of boys. 393 00:34:36,239 --> 00:34:37,860 I am friendly with all of them. 394 00:34:39,020 --> 00:34:40,380 One at a time, of course. 395 00:34:41,560 --> 00:34:47,060 The first song I would like to sing for you tonight is a story all about a young 396 00:34:47,060 --> 00:34:52,090 boy who works in a fairground, who is very sad because no one... visit his 397 00:34:52,090 --> 00:34:57,350 stall. All the gay young men walk past with their friends and patronize the 398 00:34:57,350 --> 00:34:59,610 swings and the roundabouts and the hoopla stalls. 399 00:35:00,070 --> 00:35:03,550 But none of them seem to want to throw things at his coconut. 400 00:35:05,630 --> 00:35:08,990 And he cries out to them, why do you not want my coconut? 401 00:35:09,330 --> 00:35:14,990 They are big and hairy and rounded like a young Greek warrior's arm. 402 00:35:16,030 --> 00:35:20,390 Some of them are as big as my head and others aren't. 403 00:35:22,860 --> 00:35:23,860 all in a row. 404 00:35:23,900 --> 00:35:24,900 Aren't they lovely? 405 00:35:25,520 --> 00:35:29,400 All they need is a flick of the wrist, and they will be yours. 406 00:35:30,600 --> 00:35:32,920 The song is called Stormy Weather. 407 00:35:34,880 --> 00:35:39,000 But before I sing it to you, let me introduce my special guest this evening, 408 00:35:39,000 --> 00:35:42,840 Frenchman who has delighted so many ladies all over the world by his 409 00:35:42,840 --> 00:35:45,820 performance, and I'm sure he will be doing the same tonight. 410 00:35:47,220 --> 00:35:50,780 But before that, he has agreed to come on this program and sing for us. 411 00:35:53,710 --> 00:35:56,010 Ladies and gentlemen, Charles Asanoff. 412 00:36:09,150 --> 00:36:10,650 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. 413 00:36:11,190 --> 00:36:14,070 My dear Nana, it is wonderful to be here. 414 00:36:15,750 --> 00:36:16,750 Where are we? 415 00:36:18,800 --> 00:36:22,860 At the BBC in London, Charles. Of course, you must understand I am in the 416 00:36:22,860 --> 00:36:26,800 of a lightning world tour. I do not know whether I'm on my head or my heels. 417 00:36:27,120 --> 00:36:28,600 I thought you were on your knees. 418 00:36:30,260 --> 00:36:34,160 Naughty. You must know, Nana, that it is quality, not quantity, that counts. As 419 00:36:34,160 --> 00:36:37,760 this world tour proves, a little can go a long way. 420 00:36:37,980 --> 00:36:38,959 Oh. 421 00:36:38,960 --> 00:36:40,560 Yes, I've been warned about you. 422 00:36:43,360 --> 00:36:46,900 You think I make love behind your back? 423 00:36:47,690 --> 00:36:50,250 If you do and I get to hear about it, there will be trouble. 424 00:36:51,890 --> 00:36:54,050 No, we are only joking, ladies and gentlemen. 425 00:36:54,330 --> 00:36:57,430 Charles, what are you going to sing for us tonight? I'm going to sing a little 426 00:36:57,430 --> 00:37:01,470 song called Love Goes Over My Head. 427 00:37:02,190 --> 00:37:08,810 As I travel through life 428 00:37:08,810 --> 00:37:13,430 in my search for a wife, I am on the lookout for a small one. 429 00:37:16,680 --> 00:37:21,660 But of all the sweet girls that I meet in this world, why do I always fall for 430 00:37:21,660 --> 00:37:22,660 the tall one? 431 00:37:23,320 --> 00:37:28,420 It is not that I'm shy, I can always get by when I'm telling a girl how my heart 432 00:37:28,420 --> 00:37:34,800 is. But I'd soon lose my cool, cause you feel such a fool when you take a step 433 00:37:34,800 --> 00:37:35,820 ladder to parties. 434 00:37:37,300 --> 00:37:43,520 Yes, it has to be said, though I long to be wed, love goes over my head. 435 00:37:52,970 --> 00:37:58,130 In a small crowded bar, I met Fifi Lamar, and her eyes held the promise of 436 00:37:58,130 --> 00:37:59,130 heaven. 437 00:37:59,490 --> 00:38:04,430 But when she left her feet, and she rose to her feet, I found she was six foot 438 00:38:04,430 --> 00:38:05,430 eleven. 439 00:38:05,890 --> 00:38:10,330 But we walked through the town with rain pouring down, and I knew it would ruin 440 00:38:10,330 --> 00:38:11,330 my hair. 441 00:38:12,090 --> 00:38:18,050 I had just had it set, but it didn't get wet, cause I sheltered beneath her 442 00:38:18,050 --> 00:38:19,050 brassiere. 443 00:38:20,210 --> 00:38:21,550 Yes, it has to be said. 444 00:38:22,320 --> 00:38:23,900 It was just like a shed. 445 00:38:24,580 --> 00:38:26,400 It went over my head. 446 00:38:36,400 --> 00:38:39,800 You may say it's fate that I exaggerate. 447 00:38:41,210 --> 00:38:42,890 I say loves above and beyond me. 448 00:38:43,090 --> 00:38:47,030 In the show business world, I meet all kinds of girls. I have glamour and love 449 00:38:47,030 --> 00:38:51,570 thrust upon me. And then after the show, there are girls that will go somewhat 450 00:38:51,570 --> 00:38:53,110 further, perhaps on the O2. 451 00:38:53,770 --> 00:38:55,410 It's no good. I have tried. 452 00:38:55,850 --> 00:39:01,230 When we lie side by side, it's just that I've got no one to talk to. 453 00:39:06,770 --> 00:39:10,070 Even when I'm in bed, yes, it has to be said. 454 00:39:10,860 --> 00:39:12,720 Love goes over my head. 455 00:39:14,640 --> 00:39:21,320 Love goes over 456 00:39:21,320 --> 00:39:24,340 my head. 457 00:39:43,080 --> 00:39:44,740 Thank you, Charles. That was delightful. 458 00:39:45,140 --> 00:39:48,400 And now I'd like to sing for you a medley of well -known English songs 459 00:39:48,400 --> 00:39:52,780 translated into Greek for me by my agent, Takis Tempo, sent to me. 460 00:39:55,440 --> 00:40:00,320 But for those of you who don't understand Greek, there will be special 461 00:40:00,320 --> 00:40:04,900 translated back into English by my good friend, Michael Coppolodovic. 462 00:40:06,560 --> 00:40:07,560 Daisy, Daisy. 463 00:40:26,379 --> 00:40:29,180 Thank you. 464 00:41:02,379 --> 00:41:05,180 I don't 465 00:41:05,180 --> 00:41:09,380 know. 466 00:41:30,779 --> 00:41:33,580 Thank you. 467 00:42:09,339 --> 00:42:10,660 Thank you so much. 468 00:42:10,920 --> 00:42:14,580 And now it is time to leave you, Charles. Let us sing together before we 469 00:42:15,280 --> 00:42:16,940 I enjoyed it. It's wonderful, isn't it? Ah. 470 00:42:19,900 --> 00:42:23,900 It's so nice to come along from the land where we belong. And if you sing a 471 00:42:23,900 --> 00:42:27,460 foreign song, then no one knows when you go wrong. Dance with me and Zorba's 472 00:42:27,460 --> 00:42:31,080 dance. You might fall and ruin your chance. If I do, I fall and you, my 473 00:42:31,080 --> 00:42:37,320 shot of Zorba. No, no, no, no. You are so very Greek to me. La, la, la, la. You 474 00:42:37,320 --> 00:42:43,760 look very weak to me. I love Greece. Absolutely. You are so damn... Do you 475 00:42:43,760 --> 00:42:44,880 you for my mantelpiece? 476 00:42:47,080 --> 00:42:52,000 You gorgeous little Frenchman, will you be my henchman? Well, it all depends 477 00:42:52,000 --> 00:42:55,160 what you want hinching down there. I love your garlic, man. 478 00:42:55,420 --> 00:42:56,640 I wish that you were none. 479 00:42:56,880 --> 00:42:58,920 I would take you home. Happy stop. 480 00:42:59,980 --> 00:43:04,860 That is not of me, Sherry. I can't of me, Sherry. I'd find a thing who'd get 481 00:43:04,860 --> 00:43:07,560 top of me, but I'm glad to be invited. 482 00:43:07,860 --> 00:43:10,420 I'm quite delighted to have you on the show. 483 00:43:10,760 --> 00:43:15,520 And now I really think it's time for us to go. Let us embrace each other. Now we 484 00:43:15,520 --> 00:43:17,480 have to talk. And let me clasp you to my heart. 485 00:43:19,500 --> 00:43:23,380 I felt a proper charlie. And I felt a right nanite. 486 00:43:46,529 --> 00:43:50,750 Well, that's all for this week. Next week we shall be talking about 487 00:43:50,750 --> 00:43:51,950 by top cabinet ministers. 488 00:43:52,210 --> 00:43:53,330 Why haven't there been any? 489 00:43:55,130 --> 00:43:57,590 And we'll be running a competition in Blackpool. 490 00:43:57,830 --> 00:44:03,110 Eddie Waring will be buried in sand and the first kiddie to dig him up will get 491 00:44:03,110 --> 00:44:04,110 a thick ear. 492 00:44:06,690 --> 00:44:08,990 So it's goodnight from me. 493 00:44:09,210 --> 00:44:10,570 And it's goodnight from him. Goodnight.